I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
