If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
