Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
