I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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