i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
