I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I think I have vodka in my lungs
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
