do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
is that a dick in a sweater?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
