i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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