??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
too bad you live with your parents still
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Randomize
