Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
