He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
