running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
