Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
