addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
