I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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