When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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