oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
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Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
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His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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