Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
