wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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