My friends, they love my intelligence
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
