Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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