Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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