Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
