Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
