I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
