There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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