yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
