my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
