yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
