What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
