Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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