He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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