I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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