He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
