I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
