Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
