I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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