I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
In other news, I just burned my penis
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
