My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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