Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
