why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
