I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
