And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
