my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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