Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
