Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
