i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
i now understand why vodka
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
