I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
