Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
