I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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