Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
When did angry sex become our thing?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
