You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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