i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
