you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
