woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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